This may be the easiest way for this slave to journal. She used to do it when she was with her last trainer and so it is back to her roots. It was easy for her this way and helped alot :)
I'm happy. Let's allow that to sink in because for the last two years, that hasn't been a common occurrence. I'm truly happy. The problem is, soon things will be changing and I'm not sure I am ready for that. It's not that I do not love the people or I think Ron still wants me or even that I respect him. It's just so very complicated. I'm in love with three men. Or I though I was. Not so much anymore.
LT would be the first. I truly was in love with him at one point. I did. But somewhere down the line he stopped treating me the same and seemed to stop caring. I didn't mean to but I stopped loving him along the line. I still care for him. I still am drawn to him. But I don't need him and I know it. I don't need his approval, support, understanding, or even love. I don't know when it happened but somewhere down the line it did. Somewhere down the line I stopped caring.
Ron I am still in love with. Or I am still in love with who I thought he was. Now, he is showing me who he is and I am really saddened by it. If I would have known he would be downing me for my appearance or past so much then I would have done things differently. Even others are noticing and my depression is getting worse because of him. I don't know what to do anymore. I just truly want him to be himself again. I just want him to love me like I love him. For gods sake, I was happy with how I look, he is the one who wanted it to change. I like my curves... I'm not even that heavy.
The last man in my life is Monk. Is Master. Is the one who can read this. Is the one who owns me. Do I love him? Yes. Am I in love with him? Probably. Is it complex? Definitely. Well here's the thing, I care too much where he is concerned. Things hit me too hard where he is concerned and it seriously worries me. I know better than to get hurt by him. Which means either I have to be okay with that or step away from my Master for awhile. Which would break my heart and leave me a bit loss. I sort of would rather him release me than do that which leads me to be okay with it.
As my training progresses I can't help but notice small differences in LT and Monk.
